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[06 Jun 2007|06:29pm] |
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING
CHANGING
MY MOTHERFUCKING PLANS.
AND IT'S ALWAYS THE -MOST- RIDICULOUS FUCKING THING.
I'm sick of twists and turns. The drama isn't fun. It's not worth it.
And I'm sick of being tricked into thinking there's something to look forward to, like it's a game.
It's sick.
.. It came out in a sleepless.. Rambling.. Kind of...
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[30 May 2007|08:44pm] |
I need to work on my people skills. Yes? Yes.
My computer is really shiny. And I lied about it having a crappy sound system. It has crappy speakers for everything but acoustics. With headphones, it's baadddaaasss.
I think I -will- go to that graduation party. *shrug*
I just hope no one is like, toppling over drunk or anything like that.
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[30 May 2007|02:39pm] |
Typing from my.. Brandbrand new computer.. They trashed my old one, destroyed everything I had on it. This means my wishlist, book, conversations, (nude) pictures of Matt, and pictures of everyone's friends arrrree gone.. I was very depressed when I got home because I was never asked to save anything, and memories now really have to STAY memories.. And my parents were being bitches.. I didn't ask for a new computer. In my opinion, I didn't need one.
"I'm taking six hundred dollars out of your bank account, pff! You're gonna treat me like THAT!"
I told Mom to leave me alone (and to fuck off when she wouldn't stop nagging at my poor depressed and PMSy brain) and she did that. Six hundred dollars is nearly half OF my bank account, and it's basically what I earn in.. I don't know, a long time. Supposedly, they're only taking away the difference between the old computer and this, when we were supposed to go over, anyway, but even that isn't right. They shouldn't have access to MY bank account. They're entirely money hungry. And Dad's afraid of Mom.. I told him what she was doing, his response: "I'm mowing the lawn." *ten minutes later* "You deserved it." What the hellll?
.. So I spent like, hours having a temper tantrum. I now have little red dots all around my eyes. I dunno, I get them when I cry. I've just felt like shit lately. I've been thinking about Matt, and whether or not I want to try talking to him this weekend, and I've been thinking about my friendships more again, and my family and school, and then I was upset about the computer.. And I do feel really lonely. It's great when you have friends, but like I said a while ago, it's different when you actually have a connection with someone.. A lot of the time friendship is just tolerance with a pretty label ("friends") attached to it, despite its inaccuracy. But when you're with someone, there's a reason. Hopefully, you can talk to them, and feel better when you do, and you can do the same for them. And it's not just something stale, you know? You don't half-listen to what the person is saying.. You really care, even if they're talking about their latest video-game struggles..
I date people I'm interested in. With a lot of my friends, I don't even care about what they're saying, they're just so damn boring and repetitive. But.. there was one person who made me feel a little less empty..
I guess I am jealous about the thing with Matthew and Kayla. And a little bit pissed.. She's like, 13. And he always said he never liked her. And he gave damn good reasons why, even recently. If he went with her now, he'd only have the sex perk.. And I guess in a way, I'm jealous of her in another way, because she might have stolen my best friend. Obviously, we haven't been friends for a while, and looking back, he was probably only really good to me until November or so.. But I still loved him. And I have no proof that whatever he claims he felt for me was fake.. I have no proof that our friendship was a lie. Just feelings. After the breakup, I spent so much time yelling at him, or about him, or bitching about the fact that he'd changed into a bad person. I expected him to be who he was while we dated, and he couldn't be, because he just wasn't that person anymore. He'd been changing right under my nose, and I couldn't see it. I just hope he isn't the same person he was then.. Or in November.. Or the person I always claim he is. He's quite a good liar, but maybe it's time I should just.. Quit bitching and figure out who he -really- is. Not who I want him to be, and not just who my feelings tell me he is. Those days of comfort are over, and I can almost guarantee, they're never coming back. He's not my best friend anymore. We pretty much hate each other, and that is one of THE main reasons I wanted to break up with him during that first week. I had a feeling that something bad would happen and that afterwards I'd lose him as a friend. It didn't feel right with him, until he sort of slowly led me into really loving him. I was uncomfortable. I guess I was right. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have left him straight away. I'd never have sacrificed late-night phone calls and IM conversations. I'd never have let him see the post-breakup crazy, and I'd have just let him see me being a non-emotional wreck-crazy. I'd have stayed his friend, happily. I forgave him for telling me he loved me when he was -drunk- and for getting drunk in general (and I do hope he hasn't done any of that since we stopped talking..), why can't I forgive him for this? Both of us can't handle confrontation. Me, my ego has been bruised and my self-esteem rocked, as it should have. I got hit by the Mack truck of romantic lies. Him, he freaked out every time I freaked out or nearly freaked out, instead of waiting for me to calm down and think clearly. The last time I blew up on him a few weeks ago, I was honestly just secretly waiting for his response.. To see if there was anything of substance there.. I guess not. I was testing to see if he cared and -wanted- to still talk.. Meh, I just kind of miss what I had with him. Or what I thought I did.. Whichever. Friendship and romance.. Mostly the friendship part of it. I spent so much time complaining and being self-centered that I never really investigated him. I want to see who I was really in love with. If he's any different. I want to talk to him again. It's just, instinct tells me, there's no way in Hell that he's going to let me.
I'm kind of coming to terms with the fact that I could have done a better job as his girlfriend, too.. I shouldn't say that maybe I could have made him want me more, because there was Hell to go through throughout our entire relationship, but.. Okay, for example.. Whether it was a trick, or not.. There were many, many times when he gave me nicknames. Stereotypical love-bird nicknames. When I was upset, he'd call me "baby." Mid-conversation, he'd call me the same thing. He wasn't just calling me that to seduce me. I know when he's trying to. He's very blunt about that. But him calling me those names made me feel so special. Loved. Me? I only called him any nicknames when I wanted something. And I asked him so many questions, all because I was SO afraid of this happening, and I've always been so scared for him, since he's so unstable and indecisive.. But how would you feel, with 50 consecutive questions, getting angrier and angrier, or more concerned, directed right at you? He asked me that once. I thought I didn't have anything to compare me to. Oh, I do... My mother. She's such a nag. And now I know.. It's great that I cared, but maybe I should have been less concerned with myself receiving information, and just.. Maybe should have cared more about his mental health? Or something like that.. I just feel like I always make myself out to look like I did -absolutely- nothing wrong, and I know that I didn't deserve what he did to me so many times, but I could have done much better, too. I guess that that's what it's all about, though. Relationships. You learn from your mistakes. Maybe we'll both grow up someday. Maybe it's not over yet. Doubtful that it's not, but from the spazzy directions my life has been taking, I'm not putting down a single thing for sure.
Yeah, it's a little bit ridiculous that I'm still thinking about this, and that I'm even thinking of talking to him. But oh well. Shit happens, the way I see it. It can't be controlled. You can avoid thinking about something, but the feeling will still be there, if not in the back of your mind. It's easier to let things fade on their own, I think. Only, I know what I want to do, and I'm going to do it.
Put up with me.. I can't make up my mind from good nastalgia and bad.
Today.. Ignored Haily.. Had some more fun with Dan's guy friends outside during Health.. Didn't do a lot of homework..
This new computer has a sucky sound system, too. Bad recorder.. Don't get me wrong, the actual computer is gorgeous, and it makes me feel very comfortable (and confused) since it's all Super-Tech-y, but... >.< ARGH.
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| I wanna be better than oxygen so you can breathe when you're drowning. |
[28 May 2007|03:42pm] |
People don't change, do they?
They say they'll reform, but they go on believing the same old shit, telling themselves the same lies. So, what's the reform?
Apparently, Kayla asked Matthew out again. Kayla, the girl who basically had an orgy RIGHT before she met Matt. The Slut. The girl who he admitted he thought was a slut many times, before I even expressed my own opinion. And isn't this the girl who partly dumped him because he wouldn't kiss her? Wow, she REALLY liked him for who he was... It was a year ago, but people don't change that much. I always said, any girl who actually knew him wouldn't want to date him. I was right! God, people are so afraid of not being with someone, especially physically.. Now he'd use her, if he's still a manwhore, if he didn't change like he planned to. He told me he never even liked her that much when he dated her. That he just didn't want to be alone. He always said that he only half-listened to whatever she said on the phone because she talked too much and BORED him, even semi-recently. I doubt he likes her now. He just wants action. x_x
.. But knowing Matt, he'd read this after six months of not reading my journal, assume I was jealous, and say yes (if he hasn't already) out of pure spite. o_0
I'm tempted to contact him sometime soon. I do kind of miss him. I'm curious about how things are going. I talked to Borka. Dunno, though. I don't know if it would be worth it. Or if I'd even get a response.
I had a dream last night.. It was an addition to the war dreams. Except it had Tauren in it.. From World of Warcraft.. >.>
All I really remember was that a large, large group of people were after another large, large group of people.. And we got some other "people" from this magical underground place.. And we rowed overnight down this river and came to a group of enemies. Not the people after us, just, "people" we didn't like.. They had blue boats and were sleeping, we had tan boats with an orange stripe going around. The enemy consisted of some fucked up kind of wolf, and alligators. Some animal on our side was named Neopolitarian. He got taken under water and bitten by something. There were a group of humans watching from a beach during an awards ceremony.. I don't really get how that works, ocean beach and river, but oh well.
Yesterday's entry got deleted..
Hm.. One of my coworkers wants me, I think. o_0
He's really... Random.. It's funny.
He looks like Benji.
My fingers are both bruised! =D
Yayyyyy.
And Livvy has Norwegians living in her house. I don't know why I'm mentioning this here, but.. That lucky bitch! <3
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[27 May 2007|06:10pm] |
I remember that his excuse for lying to me about who kissed who first was that he didn't want me to hate him.
Funny how it turned out, anyway.
If you love, you sacrifice.
You've always gotten off on my pain. I'm sure you're happy. But bliss is ignorance, when you have no reason to be. Right?
They say that one day, I'll just stop thinking about you, the way I did Kevin. I'll stop wanting to talk to you despite the way I feel. I'll stop hating and loving you until there's nothing, and you're just another walking corpse.
In other news, there's a 50 percent chance that I'm getting a new computer.
And I found out that I have a mixer on this computer..
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[26 May 2007|10:28am] |
I keep trying to be Emily. Not any Emily I know, but the girl from my old dreams. She's so strong.. I'm not.
I still miss the way things used to be.. I was so stupid..
I'm reading my journal from November.. Before he cheated on me with Rachel.. Fucking cunt.. He bitched and cried whenever I didn't want him to.. -See- me.. I constantly thought things would get better. Isn't that exactly what emotionally abused girlfriends think in a bad situation? Their bullshit idea of everlasting love, lasting through emotional blows and bitter confrontation. I should have been the one to dump him. What he did wasn't fair. He's a terrible person. Molly said she's only pretending to like him now. Funny how he thinks everyone loves him. None of them do. They all know what a bad friend he is. I never did anything wrong to him. He's got no right to hate me. I know who he really is, and am the only one willing to actually tell him what I think. He denies who he really is. He's afraid to admit he's no good. So he thinks he's the greatest thing to exist. He's not. Not even close.
"I love you" is a lie.
Next time, I'll learn.. You can't love with only words.
And that's how I know, he never loved me. Or Barbara. But especially me.
We got used.
And hell, Barbara never even liked him...
He always bitched about what "she did to" him, but he did the same thing to me.
Kevin told me to leave him to begin with.. No wonder why. Now he's got me blocked and shit, too, dunno why.
We haven't talked in something like three weeks to a month. I hate him. He might as well be dead to me. A part of me still wants to see how he's doing..
But you don't do this to your friends. You don't talk on the phone until 1:30-5 in the morning every night for seven months, wasting time, to cheat and leave, while mentally stable. You don't use your "friends" if you care about them more than yourself, or at all. You don't date a girl just for the ability to say you're taken and wanted, and not just for the ability to fool around. He is too flirty to be able to love any one girl romantically. He's too busy secretly wanting to get his hands down his "friend's" pants. They all hate him. He's retarded to think otherwise, but I know he does. I'm the Evil Ex-Girlfriend, I'm incapable of telling the truth.
He flirted with Shemayne.
He flirted with Lizzy and Barbara.
He danced with Molly. Had her sit in his lap. He lied about the way they laid on a bed together, changing the story, and it was very.. Close.. They hugged a lot and kissed cheeks and she had her arm around him a lot and vice versa, even when they were taken. She's a skank. He thought she was ugly, and no one saw it coming, but he cheated on me with -her.- Why? Because, he's not a nice guy. He's typical. To guys, outgoing = skanky. Skanky = guaranteed hookup. They don't care about anyone but themselves.
And they're heartless fucking bastards, a good 99 percent.
He never meant to stay with me. I was just there until some slutty cunt was willing. He can pretend he loved me all he wants, but he didn't. He told someone he would have gone with Rachel if she wasn't taken, the first time he cheated.. Yeah, I'm counting that. Drama class turned you into a grand liar, or maybe you were all along. You didn't move during that kiss because you wanted it, you desperate prick. And I bet it really was like twenty seconds long like she said it was.
You don't know what love is, at all. Stop pretending.
And maybe he was never against being fuckbuddies with someone. Maybe he was really just a heartless piece of shit the very day I met him. Seems that way. I know a lot of people where he lives who would agree.
I hear that second and third loves are never as memorable as your first. My first love, by the name of Matthew Shields, who I could pull so much shit on if I really wanted to be a vengeful bitch (which I'm tempted to do, even if I'm still curious about him [doubtful we'll ever talk again, so why not? I have no motivation not to get revenge]), is a terrible person and a bad boyfriend. I was only being nice when I said he wasn't doing a bad job.. He was terrible. I moved on. I'm still obviously disappointed. But I don't care. It doesn't change who he is. Or what he did to me.
The first person I ever romantically loved abused me. I'll never forget him. I wish I could. To him, I'm easily forgetable, but no matter. Matthew didn't care about me to begin with. He got drunk and told me he loved me. The next day, he went for it. Dating. And I said no. We waited. He seduced me into it. After the first week, I wanted to dump him because I was uncomfortable, but I didn't. I shouldn't have ever given him a chance. I fell for him.
I wish I never met you. Never mind wishing I never loved you..
And laugh and avoid all you want, it doesn't change a damn thing about you.
Needed to rant.. Thinking. I blame the heat..
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[16 May 2007|08:44pm] |
^_^
He kinda likes me. Kinda. But still.
Haily threw a note at him and they talked about me with me RIGHT THERE after.
THANKS, GUYS.
I kept staring at the clock to avoid dying. He sits right next to me and she sat behind me. They weren't talking quietly. x_x
He said he needs to think about it. I guess Dan asked about the note and stuff, and he just smiled. No words. Just smiled.
He kept looking at me in history whenever I turned around to talk to Haily. He reread the note quite a bit, it seemed. Smiled a few times while reading it. Haily said he had the "I like you but might like two people" look on his face. I'll just try talking to him more. I hate competition, especially if that's the case, but he's not obligated to like any one person at the moment. Except now that Grant knows, I can barely look at him and conversation is going to be so diffficcullt. My friends are right. I'm easily embarrassed. >.<
I need to have more confidence.
I was also invited to Jackie (from a LONG time ago, when I started working)'s graduation party. Mac, and Aaron and Amanda will be there.. Sadly, it's on a Saturday at 2, when I'll be working.. And we all work in the same place.. Not that many people can get away with it..
Oh well. I'm very happy.
OH.
AND I CAN HEAR AGAIN.
FUCK YEAH.
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[03 Apr 2007|01:02am] |
Belated April Fool's Joke:
Me: Psst.. Psst.. .. You're supposed to say what.
Matt: What?
Me: Will you marry me?
Matt: What?
Me: Will you marry me?
Matt: .. Are you serious? .. Do you really want to? Usually it's always been me doing the.. weird proposing thing.
Mom: ARE YOU SEE-REE-US?! *Matt sings in background*
Matt: .. You just proposed to me.
Me: >.> I.. Yes. Maybe.
Matt: Well, I'd really like to stay single for a while..
Me: Happy late April Fool's!
=D
I'm glad I can still get him in a good mood.
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| Hey, I lied! |
[21 Mar 2007|09:56pm] |
You're a bad cat man
You're a bad cat man yes you are
You're a bad cat man
You're so bad, I hope you die
You are so bad (x3)
I hate you so much, I hope you die
You're a bad cat man
How did you get out of your cage?
You're a bad cat man
I'm gonna punch you in the face
We have rules that I hope you follow,
If you don't I'll cut you up
I have friends that have fur and fangs yeah,
They'll bite off your ugly head
Now, this battle is a storm, absorbing flames of butterflies, I make your flesh warm.
The birds will sing the dirge now of absolute defeat.
The second evil cat has fallen, dogs consume their meat
I wonder if there is a good cat man for a cat woman.. Hmm.. Oh well. Don't care about that right now.
Oh, apparently Borka got a girlfriend. .. Oh Canada... ... xD
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[16 Mar 2007|03:27pm] |
I was brave enough to finally tell you what I wanted to say.
Even if you don't know what it is I'm talking about.
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[12 Mar 2007|04:58pm] |
Fuck.
...
FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK...
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[27 Feb 2007|02:44pm] |
I'm getting taxes done. .. That feels weird saying.
Fruit are plant ovaries. .. I don't like pears.
You can get cancer from eating chocolate or having sex. ..
This nice Indian kid in SLP let me have the last cupcake Mr. Someone got for his 26th birthday. Wee.
And after what happened last night on the phone, I really feel stupid.
It was funny at the time. But I wasted valuable time.
Sometimes I think no matter how much I bitch, I'm still incapable of being serious, too.
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[18 Feb 2007|09:57am] |
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I tried calling him once last night, a little before 1, no answer. I wonder if he's ignoring me, or if he just got home really really late.. I guess I'll find out sometime..
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[15 Feb 2007|08:18pm] |
Why is it that when there's an eclipse, Earth is still warm? Wouldn't the moon block heat? Would that part of Earth be almost completely dark? Would the sky be black? Is it possible for a day to be so dark the stars show? Why's the sky blue? Why not green? Why isn't the sky blue at night? If I were on another planet, would all the colours be different? Would the planet be pitch black if I were on Pluto, or if I were on a planet with a weak atmosphere?
^ dork
Edit:
Hahah, so I finally figured out the term for what I want to study if I become an astronomer person.. Astrobiology. The search for life on other planets. Wooohooo.
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[10 Feb 2007|08:37pm] |
So... Yeah, I'm deleting a bunch of you.
.. Because I don't know who the fuck you are.
Or if I do, I just don't care.
Weeee.
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[07 Feb 2007|09:39pm] |
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I want more Jones.
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[27 Jan 2007|11:26am] |
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I woke up late today... This automatically means today will suck.
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[23 Jan 2007|03:39pm] |
We might get a kitty. =D
We looked today.
http://north-attleboro.ma.us/shelter/cat.html
Razz? She's so tiny... No way she's three. She was very timid. =\
Iunno. Can always bring her back if she hates us. We might go back tomorrow. We spent nearly two hours there. >.>z
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[21 Jan 2007|11:11pm] |
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